


Paroxysmal

by Rolaplayor101



Category: Hyouka & Kotenbu Series
Genre: ASAW, ASAW 2021, AlloAro Oreki Houtarou, AlloArophobia, AlloArospike Oreki Houtarou, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Aro Awareness, Aro Awareness 2021, Aro week, Aro week 2021, Aromantic, Aromantic Awareness Week, Aromantic Awareness Week 2021, Aromantic Oreki Houtarou, Arospec Awareness Week 2021, Arospec awareness week, Arospike, Arospike Oreki Houtarou, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Background Relationships, Boys In Love, Demiromantic Asexual Original Male Character(s), Demiromantic Character, Demiromantic Original Male Character(s), F/M, Falling In Love, Horniness, Horny Teenagers, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Alloarophobia, Longing, Lust, M/M, No Sex, One Shot, Queerplatonic Relationships, Scent Kink, Sexual Tension, Short, Short One Shot, Teasing, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Original Male Character(s), Twins, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Unrequited Lust, Yearning, alloaro, aro creatives, arocreatives, nonsam aro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:08:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29721849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rolaplayor101/pseuds/Rolaplayor101
Summary: When Satoshi gets a boyfriend, Oreki is surprised to find himself befriending Yasunori's twin brother who shares his lack of interest in everything, including romance. But as time goes on, he finds himself getting more and more romance-repulsed while his new friend becomes his opposite, making him question his aroace identity.For Arospec Awareness Week!
Relationships: Fukube Satoshi & Ibara Mayaka, Fukube Satoshi/Original Character(s), Fukube Satoshi/Original Male Character(s), One-Sided Chitanda Eru/Oreki Houtarou, Oreki Houtarou/Original Character(s), Oreki Houtarou/Original Male Character(s)
Collections: Arospec Fanworks Week





	Paroxysmal

**Author's Note:**

> I might make another story that actually goes deeper into their friendship and feelings for each other I dunno. Ive had the Yasunori twins as OCs for Hyouka for a while.

###  I was a little surprised when Satoshi told me he got a boyfriend. 

_"Doesn't being surprised take up too much energy?" He smirked with one finger pointed up to the sky and his fist on his hip. He had a gremlin-like look in his eyes as he leaned over uncomfortably close._

It didn't bother me in the least, but it _was_ surprising. His boyfriend was as eccentric as him. Hair dyed a bright blue to match his large eyes. He could complete Satoshi's atmosphere as if he were a clone of the man himself. There was a name for it… "Twin Souls" or something like that. Kismesis. They were made for each other. Yasunori and Satoshi. 

Too bad Yasunori was already a twin, so the theory was debunked instantly. 

I met him the same day I met his brother, right when Satoshi was seeing Yasunori off. His brother had come to pick him up and he watched blandly while Yasunori and Satoshi waved each other off frantically, as if he were departing by ship and Satoshi wouldn't see him for a year. 

He had no aura, Yasunori Kanya. It was like no one around him saw him, but he was standing right there, bored, expressionless, with blue bangs covering his left eye. His hair was dyed the exact same color as his brothers, but even that wasn't enough to make him stand out. As they walked off, Yasunori wrapped an arm around his brother's shoulder and shook him as he talked ecstatically. As they left, I had a thought:

_Huh. That's us, isn't it?_

The next time I saw him was at a get-together at Satoshi's house. I'd been forced to come by Chitanda's perseverance and excessive closeness. All I had to do was sit there until it was over, because Chitanda was nervous to meet new people and go over to a boys' house, which I found annoying considering we had all been to her house before without it being a problem. 

" _It's different, Houtarou-san!" She said as she squeezed my hand, which she had grabbed earlier, and pushed her face closer to mine._

Kanya sat next to me, eyes blank, and I figured maybe that was just how he was. "Bored?" He asked. 

"Tired."

"Dragged here, too?" He handed me a soda and gestured with his own. 

"Is it obvious?" I popped the can open and tapped it against the side of his. 

"Birds of a feather, you know?" He didn't sound anything like his brother. Even his voice was bland, but a lot more boyish and smooth. He talked low, like he could fall over and be asleep right on the spot. 

I nodded and took a sip. Satoshi and Yasunori were on the other side of the table, talking so fast I could barely register what they were saying. And to Kanya's side, a little further away, was Ibara and Chitanda, talking to themselves. Everyone had been paired off, apparently, but this time I wasn't the one with Chitanda. 

"So, does the short-haired one like Fukube or something?"

I stopped myself before I could choke. "You figured that out rather quickly."

"She's been staring daggers at my brother for a while now."

I leaned back to get a look at her. Chitanda had her back to me and her shoulders were bobbing up and down as she talked but Ibara didn't seem to be paying any attention. Her lips were puckered and her eyebrows were down to her nose as she glared across the table. _Huh._

"Middle school crush," I said, and he nodded appraisingly. 

"It's like that movie..uh," he squinted and tilted his head up. He and his brother had slightly tanned skin. He didn't seem like the type to spend a whole lot of time outside. Maybe they were from the country? "Uh...what was it…? It came out a few years ago?"

"I'm not really invested in romance dramas."

"No it wasn't a romance drama, though it had some of both in it. It was popular for a while." He squeezed his eyes shut for a second, putting a hand to his forehead. "Oh, right! That one!"

"What one?" I took another sip, crossed my legs. 

"No, That One. The movie That One."

"Oh, yeah..." I blinked. "I never saw that."

"It was pretty good. I have it on DVD."

"You still buy DVDs?"

"I liked it that much, I guess. The main character's aro so I immediately took to it."

The rest of the party went on from there. It was alright. I didn't have to do anything extraneous because Kanya had my back when it came to excuses. 

" _We're having a conversation, so how about you guys play without us? Four seems like enough," he said._

I could marry him. 

Ibara had given him a short glare but turned her attention quickly back to Yasunori, and kept it there for all of the games. 

"So you're glad you came over? You seemed pretty excited yesterday." That gremlin smirk again. 

"You mean Kanya…" I reached into my bag and took out my book, hanging the bag on the side of my chair. 

"Oh! You're calling each other by first names now!" Now he looked genuinely surprised, sitting up straight in his chair, wide-eyed and mouth agape. 

"It'd be weird when his brother also goes by Yasunori."

"Well that's because Yasunori hasn't chosen his first name yet."

_Eh?_

"Eh?" I looked up from my book, not even getting one word in. 

Satoshi closed his mouth, eyebrows raised in a genuinely confused face. "...Did I say something?"

"Chosen?"

"Yeah."

"What do you mean by _chosen_?"

"He just..hasn't chosen his name. What do _you_ mean?"

"No but," I stopped. This is expanding too much energy. "...Nevermind, actually. I don't care."

He still looked oblivious. Then he smirked. "Took up too much life force?"

I continued reading. 

"Oh, you know Kanya-san calls you Houreki?"

I continued reading. 

"I think he thinks that's your real name! Oh, or maybe it's a nickname. It's pretty cute! I think I'll start calling you that. Houreki…"

I continued reading. 

"Yasunori told me about it this morning. He emailed me about it— oh, oh! Did you get Kanya-san's email address? I can give it to you! Hold on let me text Yasuno-"

Satoshi won't stop talking about Yasunori. I'm getting tired of hearing his name all the time. It was fine at first, but my romance repulsion meter is getting pretty filled up and I don't know how many more of "Yasunori this" and "Yasunori that" I can take. 

Satoshi was acting stranger than usual this week. He kept giving me weird looks and laughing maniacally to himself. He even went so far as to touch his fingertips together menacingly in class the other day. When I asked him what it was he wanted, he asked me if I was free this weekend. 

_"No."_

_"Trick question. Yes, you are!"_

I sighed, tapping my fingers against the table in wait. He wanted to meet at this coffee shop for whatever reason, and I should have gotten the hint and stayed home as soon as I noticed him acting weird. But I didn't, and I was already there. So I took in a breath and watched as Kanya walked in and towards me. 

"Why here?" He asked. 

"Huh?"

"You wanted to come to a coffee shop. Why here? It's like a date."

I had a fury deep within me for Satoshi and Satoshi only, but I buried it down further so I could continue the conversation. 

"Wasn't my choice. Ask your brother's boyfriend. And I'm not-"

"I know. It was a joke. An observation, even." He stayed standing. "If it was Fukube's idea, you wanna get out of here? It's skeevy."

I looked down at my empty teacup. "We aren't gonna be walking around, are we?"

He let out a short laugh. "No, I know all about your energy-saving thing." He reached down into his bag and pulled out something. "I brought the movie we were talking about. You wanna watch?"

It's been a long time since I've let anyone into my house, let alone a stranger. But it didn't feel weird at all having him there. Well, it felt weird in how having someone at your house always feels weird, but it didn't feel weird having _him_ there. It was something about _him_. Like he had no atmosphere. No presence.

We watched the movie together in my living room. No one was home so we wouldn't be bothering anyone, and it felt less personal than having him in my bedroom. 

"I thought you said the main character was aro?"

"He is. It's just that the _girl_ likes him. That's why the effects are all on her side of the screen."

"Uh..huh.."

"Just keep watching," he said. 

We did. And he continued to explain to me the symbolism for the first half of the movie until it all came together in the second half. 

"Ooh..!" 

"Right?" 

I glanced at his grin and back at the TV screen. 

They didn't get together in the end. 

"So how was your date?"

"Shut up."

"I got us a set of twins! One for each of us. Aren't I a great friend?"

"I'm aromantic, you idiot."

"Oh come on, I'm just playing around!" Satoshi grinned, cheek in hand and eyes closed. 

"He's aromantic, too." 

"I _know that_. Birds of a feather and all that." He winked. "I'm a database, remember?"

"Where'd you get the flag?" Kanya asked as he walked into my room for the first time. The dye is starting to fade from his hair. It's darker and his roots are black. 

"The internet." 

"Rad."

"Where'd you get the pins on your bag?"

He looks down at it before setting it on the ground and sliding to the floor in front of my bed. "Ebay."

"Fun. You out to your parents?"

"Yup. Both of us are. Oh, speaking of," I fall down into my desk chair and roll over to him as he looks up at me and talks. "Yasunori goes by Yasuomi right now."

"Goodnight?"

"No, not _goodnight_. Yasuomi. Ya-su-o-mi."

"He didn't like Yasuo?" 

"Apparently not."

I hummed. 

We got out our respective books and read for a while. It was a habit we had formed over the past month whenever he came over. There wasn't much talking, and I rather enjoyed the silence. Unlike Yasuno- Yasuomi and Satoshi, we were perfectly fine sitting in silence. 

"So, like, do you not have friends or…?" I asked from my side of the room. 

Kanya didn't look up from his book, his leg crossed over the other as he lay on his back on the floor, the book raised above his head. "Are you asking me why I keep coming over?"

"Uh.."

"No, I don't. Is that a problem, Mr. Energy-Saver?"

"I'll stop buying you ramen."

"I'm so sorry."

I smiled into my book. 

"No, uh, I don't really care to talk to people, I guess." He said. I raised an eyebrow at him. He lays the book on his face and spreads his arms out like a bird. "And you get my humor, so it's pretty easy to talk to you specifically."

"Birds of a feather-"

"-flock together." We say in unison. He moves the book off his face and smiles. He has one dimple peeking out.

"... I don't..mind," I began, feeling warm all of a sudden. "Having you here."

"Is that a confession?" His eyes are big and blue and _very_ condescending. 

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah, I do."

We were playing a video game when he kissed me. 

_He tilts his head, looks at the ceiling. "Huh. That's about right," he said, wiped his lips, then continued playing._

I threw a blue shell at him and won. 

"Yeah, I _think_ I’m into you, dude." He had his arms crossed behind his head. "But don’t worry about that. I won’t do it often.” _Often? “_ Oh! Sorry for not asking first." He had a problem sounding sincere. I sighed and took it for what it was. 

I've been thinking lately. And it's...well it's different, so give it a thought. But… well, I don't think I'm asexual. Kissing, as I can now say I have done, feels like nothing. And the thought of kissing sounds tiring. Like it makes me feel tired, and maybe depressed. And when Kanya kissed me that one time, my mind went blank and not in a lovey-dovey way, but a static kind of way. Like I couldn't think about it or what it meant or why and I didn't _feel_ _anything._ I _know_ I'm aromantic. It's a fact. The kiss, it's hard to think about without feeling vague and vacant in my own brain. Even when it happened, it took only a few seconds for me to be immediately immersed in the game right after, but as soon as I won and tried to think of what had just happened, my mind went blank again. But…

But, sometimes, I think of how Chitanda _smells_. And it's wrong, I feel wrong and I know it's wrong, but I remember her scent, and when she's close to me and she’s leaning into me, her face so close and personal, and how her uniform rides up when she raises her arms in excitement and how the collar of her shirt… how you can see inside it when she leans down.. 

And Kanya, how he's the exact opposite of her and how his scent is that of a teenage boy and it's mixed with the soap he uses and it's like vanilla or honeycomb or cinnamon and how he's ace and thinks he might be demiromantic and how he _thinks_ he likes me, and how I can never like him the same way, and when I think of that I feel like the most horrible person in the world.

When I remember and come back to myself I feel miserable. Like I'm trash. And then I want to slam my head into a wall and get rid of these thoughts but they come back whenever they get the chance. And I hate it. I hate daydreaming about them. As soon as I think I've forgotten, it's back to the start. And I think maybe it's the amatonormativity. I think maybe this is the world telling me I _have_ to like someone, in any way possible, or I'm not right. That I'm a teenage boy and this is _how_ teenage boys are supposed to feel. That we're _supposed_ to be sex-crazed, horny teens right now and when we get older we'll calm down and get married, preferably to a woman, and have a kid and make the neighbors happy, so there’s no need to worry. But I _am_ worried. Because all of that sounds so completely gross and out of my reach. It all sounds so exhausting. Getting married, having kids, responsibilities. All of it seems so...so… not me. How I'm feeling right now, it's not how an aromantic person is supposed to feel. Not how an aroace person is supposed to feel. 

But I want to have sex. I want it a lot.

Kanya kissed me again. Just to make sure. 

He came over to my house again and halfway through his visit he said, "I think I might be gay."

I sat my book down in my lap with my thumb in between the pages and stared at him. "Mm."

"Do you ever get the random urge to kiss people— of course not, you're Houreki." He said before I could respond. "It's not like I want to ever kiss girls. I don't particularly wanna kiss boys either, though. Let alone date them."

I hoped it wasn't showing on my face, but my heart was racing in my chest. _Is he like me is he like me is he like me am I normal am I normal am I normal_

"It's just you.. that it ever happens with." 

_Please. Tell me I'm_ normal.

"That I get the urge to kiss sometimes. But you're a guy, so then I'm gay? But I don't think about kissing you. I know it's weird and stick with me on this, but when we're just hanging out I get these moments where I think _if I weren't aroace, this would be the time to kiss you_ , and then I do it and right after I think _maybe this is what allo people think all the time, and I'm really just faking it and not aroace at all_."

_Keep talking_

"There's no nervousness or butterflies or fireworks. It just feels… I dunno, maybe...satisfying? Like I just did a good deed or something. Does that make sense?" He looked at me and stopped. "Hey hey hey, are you crying..?"

"Keep talking."

"So I looked more into it and yeah, I’m definitely demihomoromantic asexual."

I shut the door behind me and walked to the front gate. "Cool, are you walking me to school?"

"Fukube is with Yoshio today so I'm your chauffeur." He nodded. His hair has turned almost completely black now. 

"Isn't your school on the other side of town?”

"We're out for festivities. Also I like you, which is why _you_ ," he put his hands on his cheeks and puckered his lips as we walked, "got to enjoy my kisses so much."

Oh no, Satoshi is rubbing off on him! "Enjoy isn’t the word I would use."

"Don’t worry about it. I’m not going to do it anymore.”

"Lucky me."

“Yup.” He stretched his arms out and yawned. “Sad for me, though.”

“You’ll get over it.”

“Yup.” He said again. “Oh, hey, do you want my pins? I’m gonna get new ones.”

“No thanks.” What was I gonna do with a bunch of aroace pins? “Why give them away? Just keep them.”

“It feels weird having them now.”

“That’s not my fault.”

“I didn’t say it was. But…” he raised his eyebrows at me. 

I glared back at him and he backed off instantly. 

“Sorry.” He scratched the back of his head, took a rubber band from inside his pocket and started groping the bang in front of his face and the hair atop his head and tying it all into a ponytail. He looks like his brother more than ever with that hairstyle. “Momentarily forgot how repulsed you are. It was a bad joke.”

I didn’t say anything.

“I can’t wait until I start liking the next guy out there. Maybe he will also buy me ramen and let me stay over at his house.”

“Are you gonna come out again?”

“I don’t think so. If the opportunity presents itself, maybe.”

“Demihomoromantic is a long word.”

"Yeah, it's not like the labels really matter. It's just nice to know they're there and that it's not just me."

And that one really hurt.

"Yeah, I'm not gonna introduce myself to anyone like that or anything. I just wanted you to know.." He said, then went quiet. I kept my eyes on the ground. 

Even he has a label that makes sense for him. Man. I really am…

He asked, "Hey, what happened yesterday, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I mind." And with that, we walked the rest of the way to school, and I didn't look back when he waved me off. 

Yasunori and Satoshi got into a fight, if Satoshi's face and attitude was anything to go on. He couldn't smile properly, and it really caught Chitanda off guard. Ibara, on the other hand, was silently elated, but even she knew better than to say anything about it. 

Satoshi had gone off so bad that I had to take him outside and finally ask him what’s wrong.

“Yoshio says he thinks I’m not taking him seriously.”

“...Is he right?”

Satoshi stomped his foot on the ground. “Of course not!”

“Ok. So why would he say that?”

“I don’t know! That’s the problem! We were just studying together, like always,” He went on to explain all the gushy things they do when they’re alone, and then how he said something that made Yasunori angry, and how Satoshi is so upset that he can’t even read any of his emails. “But I have no idea what bothered him! Houreki! I’m curious!”

I backed up instinctively. “No, no, I am not helping you with your romance troubles. That’s the one thing I _won’t_ do, Satoshi.”

“What..? But this is so up your lane!”

“It most definitely is _not.”_

“ _Please_ , Houtarou! This is for the love of my life!” He pleaded as I turned around and began to walk to the club room. “Please! Just talk to him! I really want things to work out!”

“Then ask him yourself!”

“ _Houtarou_..!” His voice was as desperate as I’ve ever heard it. It was a sound like he was sobbing and laughing at the same time, and when I turned around he had an incredulously pained look on his face. 

I stared at him for a long moment. 

By the end of school the next day, right after clubs, Satoshi and Yasunori were in each other’s arms. The sun sat behind them and Kanya watched on with a frown on his face and his arms crossed. 

When I got home, I stayed in my bed the entire evening, not getting up once, even for dinner. I felt incredibly sick and incredibly lightheaded. My sister came in to check up on me, and when she put her hand to my forehead she said I was burning up. She later checked my temperature and, yeah, I had a fever. So she went out and got some medicine and sick people food and I slept in all night. 

The next day, Satoshi came by, happy as ever and with my notes. “I’ll take care of you!” He said, then started cooking in my kitchen. That was fine. 

What wasn’t fine was him inviting all his friends. Chitanda came over, and so did Yasunori and Kanya. When I saw them, it felt like my symptoms were getting worse, so I went back into my room and lied down. Yasunori was helping Satoshi in the kitchen from what I could hear, and they were being lovey-dovey as usual. Chitanda and Kanya were cleaning up, apparently. When the food was done, Kanya was the one to come get me, and just seeing him made me feel dizzy, but I was hungry and I needed to eat, so I got up anyway and sat with them at the dinner table, which had been set for the first time in years. I ate minimally, the smell was delicious but it made my stomach turn. It was relatively easy to eat, though. The soulmates knew how to make a good meal. As long as I kept my head low and didn’t look at them, I felt like I was going to be ok. 

“So where’s Mayaka?”

“She couldn’t make it. Had club work to do.”

She didn't want to be in the same room with Yasunori. 

“Thanks, Chitanda. Without you this meal would have come out only half as good.”

“If you couldn’t cook, you should have said something earlier, Fukube.”

“I told you to call me Satoshi, Kanya-san! I am your brother-in-law!”

I felt the food beginning to come back up and quickly pushed it back down, taking deep breaths in and out. 

“It was no problem! Anything for Houtarou. He’s already done so much for me, even when it was a bother!”

I squeezed my eyes shut and clasped my hand over my mouth. 

“Houreki? Are you OK?” It was Kanya’s voice. 

I stood up. My chair fell behind me, but I couldn’t care about that at the moment. There were more urgent issues that needed to be dealt with. I ran out of the dining room and into the nearest bathroom and vomited out all I’d eaten. My throat burned, and I coughed and retched some more. Someone was patting my back, and later I’d find out that it was Kanya, but right then all I cared about was getting everything out and then taking a rest. 

When I woke up, it was to the sound of them leaving. The door closed behind them, and the house was silent. It took me a few seconds, but I managed to encourage myself to get up and go into the half kitchen half dining room. I reached into the fridge and got a bottle of water, then downed half of it right on the spot. The leftovers of what Chitanda and the rest made were wrapped and put on the bottom shelf with a note. I’d read it later. 

Someone’s footsteps stopped in front of the kitchen, and I turned around expecting to see Tomoe. “Sis—?”

Chitanda was standing there instead, hands placed on top of each other in front of her and her lips pressed together like she was nervous. “Oreki-san, sorry. I was just leaving, I just.. wanted to say I’m sorry that the food we made didn’t sit well. I thought it would fit for an upset stomach, like it would for me when I was sick…”

“It wasn’t the food.” I sat the bottle of water on the table. “Don’t worry about it.”

It was you. 

She still didn't look convinced. 

No, it wasn’t you. It was me. Because I can’t control my thoughts. Because I can’t look at you anymore without feeling like I should be skinned alive. 

“Um.. Oreki-san?”

“Huh?”

She looked up at me, her purple eyes big and filled with wonder and innocence. “Are we friends?”

Please, _please_ don’t throw up again. This time you won’t have an excuse. “Of course. What are you going on about?”

She started playing at the edge of her uniform. I gulped, said, “Don’t tell me Satoshi has rubbed off on you?”

She blushed. _Crap_. “No! That’s not it! Just..you’ve been different, Oreki-san. You don’t hang out with us anymore, and you’ve been keeping to yourself.. I- I mean..this is the most we’ve talked in weeks..! I’m curious..”

God, I’m curious too. Too curious. That’s why I have been staying away from you….And I wish you would stop looking at me like that. Why are you even so nervous? _I_ should be the one that’s nervous. 

“It’s nothing,” I said aloud. 

She stepped forward, her mouth agape, and I knew she was going to argue. “But..! Oreki-san!”

God, stop saying my name. Please, stop...

She has stopped. When I faced her, she was looking at me with surprise. “Why not?”

I..said that out loud. 

She took another step closer. My back hit the fridge. She stopped again. “Oreki-san..?”

I felt lightheaded again. This girl would be the death of me. She calls my name one more time and stomps up to me, getting in my face. “Stop, I’ll get you sick!”

“I have a strong immune system. Tell me what’s been bothering you!” My face feels hot and I grind my teeth as I turn my face as far as I can away from her. “We’re friends, right?”

“Yes! We’re friends!” Which is why I shouldn’t feel like this! Which is why I can't tell you! I want to _keep_ being friends with you! “But there’s nothing wrong!”

“Then why won’t you look at me?” She asked, voice high and breathy, and again, her _smell._ “When we’re in the club room, or outside, and even today!”

I don’t answer her, hold my breath so I can’t smell her or talk, but she doesn’t back off. No, she stayed right in place, until I’m forced to let out the breath I’m holding in and look at her. Her brows were furrowed, and her lips were pressed into a tight frown, and her eyes were as wide as the ocean. Her face was tinted pink, and so were her lips, and she was so close that I suddenly understood what Kanya was talking about earlier. 

_If I weren't aroace, this would be the time to kiss you._

I wanted her. I wanted her _so much_. But I couldn’t fall in love with her. I couldn’t be the one for her. I couldn’t kiss her, or hold her hand, or make her neighbors happy. And I couldn’t touch her, because if I learned anything from movies, it’s that that never ends well. But I _wanted_ so bad, to just look down an inch, right into the collar of her uniform, and pay no mind to the fact that she could see every move I make. 

I hoped, so badly, that I was like Kanya and I would right now feel something, _anything_ , but what was going on below. That I could feel like that time when we were walking under the cherry blossom tree, or like there were fireworks, or butterflies, or anything in my stomach other than lust. I wanted to feel like Satoshi felt for Yasunori. Something pure and full and confident and _sure_. I wanted to not feel my skin burn and itch at night thinking about Chitanda, or Kanya, when just hearing Satoshi and his boyfriend flirt made me sick to my stomach. 

I wanted to like her. I wanted to be able to date her, like a normal person. I just wanted to feel _normal._

She opened her mouth, the pinkness parting and giving me a look at her tongue, as she said:

“I’m curious.”

I grabbed onto her shoulders and pushed her arms-length away. She looked at me, surprised, clasping her hands together, before her eyes trailed down to the tent in my shorts. Her face flushed completely pink and her eyes dilated as she looked back at me, her entire body shaking as her hair flared up like a cat's before settling again. 

“Chitanda!” A voice rose above the panic I felt welling up inside my chest, and I looked past Chitanda as she turned her head to look at Kanya, standing in the door frame with his arms crossed. How long had he been standing there? “It’s getting late. Do you need me to walk you home?”

She flinched again, looking back at me and then back to him, unsure of what to do. Then she said, “Ah! Right!” And ran away from me. When she got to Kanya, she turned around and bowed. “Goodnight, Oreki-san! Recover quickly!” She then ran into the living room, her hair flowing behind her, grabbed her bag off the couch, and waved as she went out of view and out the front door. 

Kanya gave me an unsure look, then followed after her. 

It was quiet. I let out a long breath, eyes wide, feeling frozen in my own body. 

I messed up. 

This was it.

This was the worst outcome. 

On autopilot, I picked up my water bottle, took a swig. I couldn’t feel anything going down.

How am I going to face her tomorrow?

Feeling like my body was made out of lead, my feet moved on their own and stepped out of the kitchen, starting for my bed. 

_She saw.._

The front door opened again as I took another sip. I turned to face Kanya, who closed the door behind him and locked it. He crossed his arms as he looked at me. “She said she would be fine.”

“You should go home.” I couldn’t stand to face him, so I looked at the wall. 

“When does your sister get back?”

“...She said not until around eleven.”

He checked his phone. “That gives us four hours. Now tell me what’s wrong.”

And I do.

He sighed and rubbed the back of his head. The light in my room was blinding, but I was glad for it. Focusing on it kept my mind from wandering. “It just sounds like your _alloaro_ , dude.”

I laid back in my bed, feet still pressed to the ground. “What?”

“There’s no word for it in Japanese. You’re alloaro, it means you’re aromantic but still feel sexual desire.”

I shot up back into a sitting position and stared at him with wide eyes. “There’s a _word_ for it?”

“There’s a word for everything, you should know that by now.” He rolled forward in my rolly chair, hand on the back of his neck. “...Why didn't you tell me?”

“Because you like me...and you're asexual,” I said. 

“I’m not repulsed..” he hung his hands between his knees. I tried not to follow them. “I don’t wear a chastity belt, I’d still be okay doing it if it was with my partner. I just don’t feel sexual attraction, I’m not celibate.”

“Well how was I supposed to know that if you didn’t tell me?”

“Because you told me you were a repulsed aroace and that you hate talking about that stuff!”

I clicked my tongue. Damn, he’s right. Without a comeback, the room went silent. 

“Do you like me, Houtarou?” His voice was low, a complete change from what it was a few seconds ago. He had a light tint to his slightly tanned cheeks, and he was scratching the side of his head. 

“...No,” I said, and scanned my bed frame. It was the truth. 

“...Do you want to have sex with me?” His voice was even lower this time, and I couldn’t even gasp as we met eyes, both a blushing mess. 

“...Yes.”

He nodded slowly, lips pressed tightly together nervously. “Ok then.” And he stood up and grabbed his jacket from over my chair. My pumping heart came to a standstill as he walked over to my bedroom door. “Then I’ll see you when you’re feeling better.” And he left. 

Just like that. He just left. 

_Huh._

The next day, the club room was a battlefield between Satoshi and Ibara. They were yelling at each other, first over Ibara getting overly-defensive about not wanting to tell Satoshi what she was doing yesterday, then about Ibara saying something about Yasunori, to which Satoshi went _what about Yasunori?,_ and Ibara started talking down to him about him. Then Satoshi got legitimately angry, and then Ibara said something like _what about_ her _feelings_ and then they went outside, leaving me and Chitanda in the room alone together. 

“Look, I’m sorry about what you saw yesterday,” I said as she visibly flinched. 

She had the same face as she did yesterday, her lips pressed into a tight smile and her eyes wide, pupils small. “Ah, don’t worry about it. It's my fault for being so pushy. I’m sorry I tried to force you to talk about something you weren’t ready for, Oreki-san.”

“It’s not your fault. Could we......pretend that yesterday never hap—“

“Yes!”

I stared at her. “...Are you sur—“

“Yes!” She looked at me with that tight smile and I closed my mouth. 

The room went silent again, and I went back to reading my book. A few minutes passed when I got a message on my phone. 

It’s from Kanya. 

_Are you free Sunday?_

Damn, I’m smiling, aren’t I?

I typed back. _Depends on how much energy I have._

And sent. 

He emailed back: _Dumbass. I’m coming over your house so get ‘gized._

I really am smiling…

Damn. 

_Damn..!_

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment!!! ill crie


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